New Year. The time where everyone seems to be busy creating their new resolution. At one side, it can be like a yearly ‘ritual while at the other side, take some times to think about it, it can be useful to see how much we have made progress in our life, what we have achieved, what is still on the way, and so on, hopefully before end of the year, we already see our goal lights blinking.
Including me. I also have created one, too. A secret one – it can only be opened by end of this year or probably one year later from today. Last month I had a small gathering with few close friends at my new apartment, to bring some warmth since I moved in like about a month ago. The idea of keeping a time capsule suddenly appeared when I was doing grocery shopping for dinner that day.
The simple concept of time capsule is to put a message in a container and bury it somewhere for future us. Because I don’t have my own garden where I can bury thing, so I just bought a medium size of coin saving tin, non-reusable one, so no way to open it up before the time and then I buried it deep inside my wardrobe. The deepest it can go, there it goes.
• • •
One year back, in December 2015, at the same time, I was in Seattle for a long break. I stopped working in that year, took a break and even a longer break after my heart had been shattered by a wrong guy. I was trying to pick up myself back to the right track. I told myself that I wouldn’t be defeated because of that and I had no time to let myself down like this for too long, I have tonnes of things to do.
In front of friends, I could take it lightly and just go with the flow. Even when few of my blogger friends who read my blog post about it and purely made a joke out of it, I still could face it calmly. I thought I was strong and have forgotten everything. But in reality, it wasn’t that easy. It was still lingering in my mind together with all the rumours around.
And it was finally new year eve. Usually at this time of every year, I will take some quiet time for myself to thank God and start writing down my wish list for the following year. I was at my brother’s house, in my bedroom alone. I stayed calm having my quiet time. I felt that I was such a pathetic girl with all things that happened – still single at this age and was dumped at this age. No significant achievements. What I got was more worries given to my family.
I took a deep breath and tried to write something on my notebook. But nothing came up in my mind. I couldn’t think of even one thing to dream of for year 2016. I ended up slept in without writing any single word on my notebook. My heart was still hurt without I realized.
• • •
January 1, 2016. The first day of the year, I went out for a little walk in the morning at the nearby park. As I walked heading to Silver Lake, with my earpiece plugged on one of my ears, I was thinking hard.
What would I wish for this year?
What would I want to achieve this year?
Where my heart leads me to this year?
In the beginning, I could feel I was in fear. Fear of losing direction like when my Mom suddenly passed away 8 years ago. I knew that I had to set goals. I didn’t want to feel regret for the time that gone without me doing something. Unless I found the answers, my mind couldn’t stop thinking. I felt the force inside me. I wasted too much time in the past and I didn’t want to repeat the same mistakes.
I went through one by one the possibilities of my wish list. I was just starting a new project, Klayap, with my friend that time. But no, my heart didn’t really go for that. It doesn’t mean that I didn’t care and take it seriously, but no, just not that. I might yearn for more travelling but no, it wasn’t that that calling me loud either. I tried to think out at least one to close the case but nothing. Still nothing. It was despairing. I felt totally useless.
I kept on walking and when I was almost there at Silver Lake, suddenly my heart felt so full. I was suddenly overwhelmed by this strange feeling and tears slowly rolling down from my both eyes. And these words quietly came out from my mouth.
Help me stay in YOUR path no matter what circumstances I am in. Don’t ever let me go.. Don’t give me up..
From feeling useless to helpless, I needed to get this pain over. Else, I couldn’t have vision. I wouldn’t dare to dream. I would have been defeated by my own fear and the pain before stepping into the ‘battlefield’. I wouldn’t have been able to focus on my work with this disturbing feeling still with me. I wouldn’t have been able to let myself go freely exploring the places I’ve been longing to, the mountains and the seas. And on top of it, I wouldn’t have been able to stand strong and become even stronger than I was.
I was walking and sobbing at the same time around the lake. My tears kept rolling as I spoke out what I had in my heart. Perhaps people who noticed me might think I just got bullied by someone on the street. Luckily, it was still early and it was so cold outside; People may still be sleeping after the party. I felt peace and calm after that. All my heavy burden seems to be lifted up. Tell you what, keeping ‘rubbish of life’ is not good for health. Find it out and throw it away. Period.
I didn’t create any wish list that year and only in that year, I have only one wish. And that’s more than enough to cover my many other wishes.
• • •
Writing down our dreams is one thing, whether it can be fulfilled or not is another thing. And to me, it doesn’t really matter if we can achieve it by this year or next year or in another few years later.
Back to my apartment on 17 December 2016. Everyone sat down and chit-chat with one another after dinner. I went up to my shopping bag and took out that Batman tin that I have almost forgotten. Fortunately, I didn’t so I could get my friends to join in the ‘game’ of creating their wish list or resolution or whatever people call it for year 2017. All wrote their wishes down on the paper, folded it and ‘bank’ it into that little tin. This year, I have quite a long list, making up my last year list which was only one.
Writing down our dreams is one thing, whether it can be fulfilled or not is another thing. And to me, it doesn’t really matter if we can achieve it by this year or next year or in another few years later. What matter most is we shall never stop dreaming and working on it. We never know what we could achieve by simply having a dream. Sometimes without we notice, we may have achieved much more beyond the list.
We planned to gather and open it up together by end of the year 2017. I am curious what was written on those papers! But as promised, I won’t reveal it before the time. Yeah, the time capsule is with me! We’ll see!